For those of you who don't know, this quarter I have been forced into taking a mandatory science credit and have wisely chosen Planets (!!!) because of my undying passion for all things planet-related. That's right, I am now an official lover of planets and outer space and everything else that's not on earth. I love space so much more than most things... I even took the time to compose this brief list of things that I do not love as much as planets:
Things that I do not Love as Much as Planets
1. Dead raccoons
2. Muffins baked with shards of glass
3. Satan
You see...?!?! You see how much I love planets..?!?! They are, quite literally, my favorite things ever.
Anyway, after a couple days in said Planets class, I have come to the extraordinary conclusion that I have lived out the last 19 years of my life in a blind cloud of deceit. You see, it turns out that I am not called to be a designer as I once imagined... my calling in life -- my soul purpose for breathing -- is to become an astronaut.
In light of this realization, I have decided to look at this class as a sort of practical Astronaut-training course aimed at non-science majors who may or may not want to project themselves into space one day. The leader of our troop is Professor Woody Sullivan (beloved Sexagenarian and Planet Extraordinaire), whose single calling is to train us for the many trials we may one day face in our voyage to outer space.
Yesterday, for instance, we learned how to impersonate planets (a handy talent for all new astronauts)! That's right -- at the fervent insistence of Astronaut Sullivan, we left the comfort of our heated classroom, trooped outside, stood around (excitedly!) in the rain, and pretended to be planets while our frazzled TA arranged us in accordance to the solar system. Brilliant. This course is already paying off.... Planet Impressions are Astronaut Survival 101, after all. What could be a handier method of camouflage whilst in outer space than a convincing planet impersonation?
The rest of the course, I'm sure will be just as riveting. We already have our first homework assignment: calculate the surface area of the moon. How relevant! How practical! My world will never be the same again. I honestly do not know how I have pioneered through life so far without knowing this helpful bit of information... There are so many practical instances in my everyday life where it is pertinent that I know how to calculate a planet's surface area! Here are a few examples:
1. You have stumbled across a nerd convention by mistake, and you desperately want to impress people with your planetary know-how.
2. You are being held at gunpoint by a terrorist who is trying to blow up the moon. In an effort to be helpful, you tell him the surface area of the moon, and he is so pleased with your knowledge of the solar system that he lets you go.
3. You have entered a Surface-Area-Finding competition and the category is celestial objects.
4. You have done something terrible to embarrass yourself. Just start loudly rambling off your surface area computations, and everyone will be so impressed, that they will completely forget about the incident.
(The list could go on.....)
This class is preparing me for the real world. While other students are sitting in a bored sort of stupor, listening to mundane Earth science lectures and waiting to die, MY Professor is preparing us for something practical. My horizons have been broadened, my passion for space travel is now awakened, and my life will never be the same again.
I will shoot for the stars. Literally.
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p.s. Check out my planet impersonation.... In the following two pictures, one will be a real planet, and one will be me pretending to be a planet. Don't feel badly if you can't tell them apart. It takes a keen eye and a lot of specialized space training to decipher.
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