Behold, My Future:

While sitting around the house this afternoon lovingly stroking my many dogs, I was overcome by a sudden and profound revelation. As I sat on the couch, innocently perusing the internet with my littlest (and fattest) dog on my lap, I stumbled across a site about the importance of spaying your cats (which is apparently very important).

However, as I do not have cats that need to be spayed, this is entirely irrelevant to my point.

What did attract my attention though, was the cheery picture of a little, old lady with her cat at the top of the page. My first reaction was to laugh -- but then, in an epiphany of horror, I looked down to the succulent, little creature on my lap and realized that this may very well be my future. But with DOGS.

Yes, it is the shocking truth.... as each day passes, I grow step by step closer to donning a fanny pack filled with dog biscuits and dressing my animals up in little sweaters to make up for the children I never had. I can already feel the effects sinking in... Last week, I let my dog sleep in the same bed as me. A few days ago, I had the sudden urge to leave my house with slippers on and curlers in my hair to take Sadie for a walk. Just today, I subconsciously found myself fighting off the desire to put my animals in a basket and take endearing Christmas photos of them to send to my extended family.

I am caught up in a losing battle, my friends. I feel that it is only a matter of time before children down the block are calling me the Crazy Dog Woman and throwing things through my windows... is that any way to treat an old lady? The world has never been fair to lonely elders like myself. Just because I like to crochet hats with ear holes for my dogs in the winter, and just because I show the neighbors my wallet-sized pet photos whenever they accidentally stumble into my garden, doesn't mean I'm an outcast. But alas... this is the life I'm destined to live...

Anyway, to illustrate the severity of my doomed fate to you, I have decided to post pictures of some charming old ladies with cats that I find to have a striking resemblance to myself. I believe these photos will prove to any non-believers that I am, as a matter of fact, truly heading down the Road of No Return.

I think these three (entirely candid) comparison pictures say quite accurately what a million words on the subject could not. I am doomed to die alone (probably smothered in my sleep with dog hair) at a premature age. With no husband or children, I will have no one but my 32 dogs to attend my funeral. On my grave, they will not be able to think of anything inspirational to write, so instead they will inscribe:

Here lies Brianna.

She didn't have many friends, but we think her dogs sort of liked her.

May God have mercy on her soul.