Well Seattle is currently buried under a solid 3 inches of SHEER JOY, and the Ailie family (particularly my father) has decided to celebrate the season by sneaking a brand new big screen television into the house! While most people are hiding out in their homes or making snowmen, my heroic father is braving the elements for the sake of a precious TV and a dream that he can watch football in HD come Thanksgiving. Never mind that the roads are solid ice, and cars are sliding around like a bunch of really subpar ice skaters who haven't yet learned how to stop without crashing; my father, brave but also kind of stupid, has eschewed safety with a firm hand, trudging his way to Best Buy to get his hands on a fresh, new TV set for the holidays. Forget family bonding or any antiquated notion of togetherness; we will be starting off our Thanksgiving with a heaping helping of HD TV!
My mom and I have been suspicious of my dad's sneaky intention for days now. You see, when my dad is planning on wasting money, he generally gets a guilty, squirmy sort of look about him, and it is only a matter of time before he sneaks something ridiculous into the house. He's done it before with other strange finds: an assortment of junky garage sale furniture, every record player in the city of Seattle, a collection of decorative lawn ducks, our pet birds... My dad has a compulsive addiction for buying things that no amount of therapy can ever hope to mend. Now don't get me wrong, he can go for a while without making any hasty investments, but sooner or later he will get that obsessive gleam in his eye, his instincts will kick in, and after a sneaky escape from the house under the pretense of "running errands," another superfluous item will be added to our overflowing collection. Yesterday in particular, the signs became evident, and my mother and I, already suspicious of my dad's behavior, began to fear the worst. My dad has been talking wistfully about a new television for a few weeks now, but yesterday, his need to take action became apparent. He spent the morning skulking around the house and staring with dissatisfaction at our dated TV screen, and by afternoon, he was looking for an excuse to take the car out alone.
Here is a word for word recount of a conversation my father and I had, shortly before his stealthy escape to Best Buy:
Dad: Well.... I'm going... out...
Me: Oh, where?
Dad: ..... just to um... run some.... errands..
Me: Oh, can I come?
Dad: NOOO!!!!!!! I mean... er.... no.
Me: Are you having an affair?
Dad: um. yes.
... and then he ran out the door, and that was the last I saw of him.
Several hours later, my dad came skulking back home with his tail in between his legs and a guilty (yet satisfied) look on his face. A few minutes later, I was ushered into the living room where I was confronted with an exuberantly happy father and a very LARGE addition to our household. It is massive and obscenely bulky and everything a man could ever dream of, and my dad is over the moon with contentment! I am actually sitting next to him right now; he is staring at the TV with a determined sort of gaze, reading manuals and connecting wires and occasionally furrowing his brow with the accompanying deep sigh....
Oh wait. I don't need to describe him; I'll just show you!! Here he is now -- all flustered and fiddling about with his 4 remote controls in a state of confusion... yeah, he's having the time of his life.
Lovely, isn't he?
Anyway, I am sure the TV will be assembled in no time, and my dad will spend the next three months or so sitting in front of his first love in a state of blissful serenity. But after a while, I can assure you the excitement will where off, the guilty look will rekindle in his eye, and I will wake up one morning to find a new vacuum cleaner or a few shelves of ceramic cats or maybe a life-size statue of Thomas Jefferson in the kitchen. The world will never know... But until that day comes, I suppose I am content with the really burly and MANLY television that my dad has chosen to bring home.
It is Thanksgiving after all, and what better way to celebrate than by zoning out your loved ones and shoveling turkey into your mouth in front of a big new TV?
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