This week, I have made a startling new discovery -- one that has truly revolutionized my quality of life and shifted my perspective of the world. Now I know that my blog posts are usually lighthearted and upbeat, but this is serious, so I hope that my audience can read this post with the greatest maturity and attention. This is not a laughing matter.
Now on to my pivotal testimony:
Due to an unfortunate backup in my laundry sequencing (possibly the result of me just not doing it...), I have been suffering from an atrocious clean-sock deficit the last few days. Now any habitual sock-wearer could tell you that this situation is grave and possibly life threatening... So in light of this, I found myself a few days ago pillaging through my dad's wool, hiking socks in desperation for something clean to wear. But though I wasn't expecting it at the time, what I found amidst these bundles of hiking gear was something greater than I ever could have imagined: insect-repellent, wool socks!
What's that you say? Socks that repel insects?
YES.
They say so on the tag. Now, I didn't even know that such an ingenious invention existed until several days ago, but these socks are truly the greatest discovery since the dawn of time. I have grown fonder of them in the past few days than I ever could have dreamed. They are warm... comfy... and most of all, they protect my feet from the unwelcome hoards of insects that generally target innocent city-dwellers. Now I don't know if it's just a crazy coincidence, but I will be the first to attest that my feet have not been bitten by a single insect since my discovery of the socks three days ago. Testimonies like this simply speak for themselves. No longer will I have to walk down the plagued streets of Seattle, warding off attacks from foot-eating locusts or scorpions; my feet are protected by a thick, wooly armor that not even the greatest of bugs can penetrate!
This foot-eating bug problem has, after all, been growing in my neighborhood for years now. What began as a few rogue attacks by tropical caterpillars that escaped from the zoo, has recently grown into a foot-preying epidemic that spans all of the greater Seattle insects and daily affects the lives of countless individuals. Some bites are more or less harmless (the CIA World Fact Book states that the average Seattle resident receives between 12 and 35 bug bites on their feet a day), but others are lethal -- producing skin discoloration, seizures, or in some cases, instantaneous death.
Every day, countless numbers of innocent people fall at the hands of foot-preying bugs... The sidewalks of Seattle are littered with dead bodies -- the skeletal (and footless) remains of victims who could not ward off the swarms of malicious foot-feeders before it was too late. I pray that their eyes may be opened to the world of insect-repellent socks and all of their wooly wonders. I stumbled upon this discovery because of an innocent backup in my laundry; what began as a desperate attempt to cover my feet developed into the greatest single discovery of my life.
We do not need to live in fear any longer, America. God has given us an answer to deliver us from the lethal foot bites of killer insects, and this answer is in the form of a sacred, bug-repellent sock.
There is hope for us, after all, my friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment