Why Birds are Always Better Dead.

While researching practical uses for dead birds this morning, I stumbled across several inspirational ideas. You see, I have been petitioning the death of our pet birds to my parents for some time now, but (for some reason beyond my understanding) they have routinely insisted that I lay down my pitchfork and knife to let the evil little creatures live. But although my attempts at murder thus far have been thwarted, I have not given up hope that one day I will find a reason convincing enough that even my unreasonable parents will agree that the birds are better off dead.

And today, my friends, is that day. I have found a use for killing my insipid pet birds that is so practical, even the bird-loving crazies I live with will have to admit that death is their best option.

You see, I plan to slaughter my pet birds.... in the name of fashion.

Fashion, you ask? Yes, indeed! I was first inspired to look into this idea after a particularly thought-provoking art history class several days ago. You see, while analyzing images of 18th century women, my very wise professor mentioned in an off-hand sort of way that back in the day it was very stylish and trendy to wear dead birds in one's hair. This is coming from an era where the bigger and more ornate a hairstyle is, the better. In other words, hair that is 3-feet tall is nice, but hair that is 3-feet tall with dead birds in it is just that much more impressive!

To illustrate my point, please view this lovely drawing of a classy yet sensible-looking lady with a boat in her hair:

Isn't she elegant? And how much more so would she be if she also had three or four dead, stuffed finches clipped to her curls! According to 18th century fashion, tall buns and dead birds were the way to go. Just ask any aristocratic, 200(+) year-old woman, and I am sure she would whole-heartedly back me up.

Now in light of these obviously timeless fashion trends, I propose the death of my three pet birds (and their loud, messy, violent ways) in favor of a new ornate hair piece for my revitalization of this 18th century look! Though my pet birds may be lovable and docile creatures (... or wait... just kidding...), even the densest and least-educated fool can see that the most sensible thing to do in this situation is to slaughter them for the sake of my ostentatious new hair-du. It is clear what should be done.

Anyway, I am sure my dear family will have no problem with this newest plot, so I expect to start spraying my hair white and wearing it 4-feet tall (complete with dead birds, flowers, and perhaps a miniature cruise ship or two) in the very near future. I love my birds deeply (actually... just kidding again...), but there are some sacrifices that just must be made-- especially for important matters like my 18th century hair decor!

There is always a sensible excuse for slaughter if you look hard enough, and in light of my fervent desire to model myself after aristocratic, European women of the 1700's, I really see no way around the massacre....

I shall prepare my knives and taxidermy materials immediately.

Cheers!