Hello there, FUTURE.

I have recently decided to do something remarkable with my life.

Forget about all that schooling and college nonsense; anybody can earn a meager wage from the insipid insights of a higher education. I, however, have decided to spend my time doing something worthwhile, something that will undoubtedly earn me the title of the Greatest Human Being to Ever Live.

I am going to make a name for myself as a time traveler!

That's right, while other fools are wasting their time learning to become doctors or scientists or something else completely useless, I will actually be doing something important. Now you may wonder just how I plan to get to the future with nothing but a high school education and a few college art classes under my belt, but I assure you, these musings are of little consequence. I do, as a matter of fact, have a plan -- one that is sure to succeed. Time travelers over the years have wasted precious hours fiddling around with complicated-looking space modules and machinery, but they have always emerged empty-handed from their over-ambitious projects. I, on the other hand, plan to take the more simple route.

I will follow in the footsteps of my good friend, the grizzly bear, and go into a state of hibernation--only not just for the winter, but for 1000 years. Science has proven that whilst sleeping, an organism's heart rate slows down considerably. This means that while the rest of the world continues at a normal pace, the specimen-in-question lives by a remarkably slower internal clock, rendering them free from the grasp of time! They breathe slower, process slower, and most importantly, age slower. As I have stated before, this is a scientifically proven fact. I am at least 60% sure of this.

However, just sleeping is not enough to do the trick. Like my great ancestors, the Neanderthals, I plan to induce this ageless state by freezing myself into a block of ice. This should allow my body to be preserved almost perfectly while I slumber, so when I awake 1000 years in the future, I will be more or less unchanged. On the downside, I do not have any giant blocks of ice or freezing chambers on hand, so I plan to simply stuff myself into my kitchen freezer for the next 10 centuries of so. It will be a little cramped, but as long as I can keep my parents from opening it too often to grab frozen dinners or ice cream (and therefore awaking me from my deep sleep), I think the anti-aging effects will be more or less the same.

Now when I awake from my comatose state, I expect the world to be a very different place... Therefore, in preparation for my voyage, I will dress in what I assume is very fashionable futuristic attire so as not to look like a complete fool when I emerge (see photo below). I will also bring a few trinkets from the past with me to show to my futuristic admirers, such as a snack pack of chocolate pudding (as they will probably have lost the habit of eating by then) and my extinct dog, Sweetie (just because he is small and plump and will probably fit in the freezer with me).

Anyway, I plan to crawl into my freezer sometime today (probably after dinner), so if anyone wishes to stop by and bid me farewell and good luck, that would be much appreciated. For now, though, I fear I must say goodbye to all you simpletons of the past. I will miss your endearingly archaic ways, but for the time being, I am off to bigger and better things!

Goodbye world of the past..... Hello there, FUTURE.

*Note: I feel that this blog post demands some sort of explanation. Contrary to popular belief, I actually DO have a life. I just also have a lot of free time that I like to spend doing practical things, like dressing in space suits and stuffing myself into freezers.... you know, totally normal stuff. I whole heartedly assert that I am not a loser.