The Only Possible Reason for a Beard

The appeal of facial hair is absolutely baffling to me... Maybe it's because I'm a girl and have never been tempted by the desire to grow myself a hearty beard, don a plaid shirt, and chop down trees, or maybe it's because I live in a temperate climate where my face isn't often uncomfortably cold or chaffed, but the whole practice really seems unnecessary.

In my eyes, there are only two situations in which it is entirely excusable to grow a beard:

1. You are a Jew from the Old Testament, and you're growing out your beard, because God told you to
2. You're entering a beard-growing competition

In all other situations, facial hair really just seems superfluous. And that's where my confusion sets in; despite the impracticality of having a scruffy animal living on your face, facial hair continues to flourish, and men far and wide still applaud the scraggly nuisance as a sort of art. At the moment, I am currently sitting at a coffee shop, and I have just looked up from my writing to survey the room of precisely seven men; astoundingly, six of them are sporting well-tended beards. My only questions is this: ... Why???

According to my above list of circumstances in which it is acceptable to have a beard, the numbers simply don't add up. Out of those six men, maybe two are growing out their hair for some sort of contest, and maybe one was commanded directly by God to cease shaving, but what about the other three? Do they simply not care about their personal grooming? Are they trying to cover up large birthmarks on their chins? Or perhaps they just like the comfort of having a furry friend on their faces to stroke absentmindedly while out and about?

In an effort to better understand the madness behind the male infatuation with growing hair on one's face, I have decided to come up with a list of every possible reason a person could want facial hair. I write this list mainly for myself, in hopes that it may lead to some sort of personal revelation that will help me to identify more closely with my heavily bearded acquaintances. Perhaps there is some well-founded reason behind this unsightly trend.

Every Possible Reason a Person Could Want Facial Hair:

1. I guess it is okay to have facial hair, if you are an old man or a wizard. A long, white beard can make you look wizened and powerful... A beard of this fashion, however, should always be accompanied by a full-length cloak and spectacles. As they often say, with great beards, comes great responsibility.
2. A thick and unruly beard can also be a good place to store things. My grandpa, for instance, likes to leave old bits of food in his untamed beard for a midday snack. Pirates, on the other hand, often use beards like these to store treasure. Sometimes, terrorists even like to use them to stow away bombs and such! Beards of this sort all serve very practical purposes.
3. It is okay to have facial hair if you are Santa Claus, and you need your beard to be jolly.
4. A beard can be handy if you are an embittered singer/songwriter, and you want the world to know that you don't care.
5. Beards can serve as a nice distraction if you have some sort of unsightly deformity like a dorsal fin or an extra head.
6. If you are homeless, you can use your beard as a blanket, or (if it is exceptionally long) as a sort of makeshift tent.
7. Useful Beard Scenario: you are kidnapped and imprisoned in a bathroom. You have no useful objects with you but your 10 foot long beard and a bottle of styling gel (found in the cupboard). You can easily fashion your beard into a lock-pick, then restyle it into a sword to fight off your assailants, and finally into a rope to tie them all up until the cops arrive. This is a handy and totally realistic use.
8. A beard can make a nice pillow if you like to sleep on your face.
9. Abraham Lincoln used his beard to help end slavery. If you, too, hope to stop a social injustice, a beard may be a practical investment.
10. If you are a male actor who is hoping to play the role of Abraham Lincoln in a movie called How Abraham Lincoln Used his Beard to End Slavery, you will probably have better chances of landing the role if you, also, have a beard.

Well, there you have it: 10 entirely practical uses for growing a beard in everyday life! If any of the examples on this list apply to you, feel free to throw away your razors and let your chin hair grow to your hearts delight. It is perfectly understandable, and I will be quite all right with your decision. If however, you cannot relate any of these instances to your own personal situation, I whole-heartedly advise you to go into your bathroom, get a razor, and put an end to the furry creature's residence on your face. It will do us all some good.