An Interesting Abduction

It has been many moons since my last blog post, but, believe it or not, I actually have an adequate excuse for for my negligence. It's not that I've grown lazy, or that I've lost my passion for the blogging society, or even that I finally have gotten a life and friends and stopped sitting around buried in my laptop all day-- but a real, solid reason for my absence:

I was eaten by a shark.

Now I know what you're thinking.... How did I find a shark to get eaten by in Seattle of all places? A month ago, I would have laughed at the very notion. However, as I lie here in my hospital bed, covered in bandages from head to toe in the shark-victim emergency care ward, the idea seems a lot less humorous. Unbeknownst to many Seattle residents, rogue shark attacks within the city limits are actually one of the leading causes of death in the King County region. Claiming countless lives every year, Seattle's shark population stealthily preys upon unprepared city-livers, taking advantage of victims' naivety to strike, unprovoked. Often swimming unseen throughout the sewers in packs of ten or more, these sharks are notorious for leaping out of grates to abduct innocent pedestrians crossing the street or naively climbing down man holes.

My personal abduction took place August 31, 2010-- a day that will remain forever etched in my mind. I had left the house that morning with the innocent intent of taking a stroll through our local sewage treatment plant. Little did I know, as I ambled merrily past the streams of contaminated water and debris, that I was being lured into a trap. At precisely 10:15 am, I was taken. One moment, I was walking innocently along the path, and the next I was struggling in the water against 3 rows of teeth and the iron grasp of a great white.

Countless victims before me have been snatched, but rarely do they live to tell the tale. Fortunately, I was lucky... I was eaten in just two bites, and although I lost a leg and a hand and one of my many kidneys, I somehow found myself still alive in the great white's digestive system. For two days, I lied in there, waiting for the shark's stomach juices to take their toll, while musing grimly to myself and vainly willing my leg to re-grow. On the third day, however, I grew bored of the shark's insanely slow digestive process, so I stiffly sat up to take a look around. My survival instincts were kicking in, and my mind was racing with ideas of escape. I started searching through the remains of the shark's other meals for some trinket that could help me pry my way out, and although the many car tires and raccoon carcasses that I found proved useless, I stumbled across several valuable items. The first was a detailed map of the Seattle sewage system. The second was a bottle of shark poison, the third, a scuba suit (complete with oxygen tanks), and finally a surprisingly handy book called "How to Escape from a Shark's Stomach with only a Map, a Bottle of Shark Poison, and a Scuba Suit." With these weapons in hand and with fortune smiling down on me, I then began to devise my escape....

Several poisoned sharks later, I found myself blinking in the sunlight as I pushed my way out of a sewage grate, map in hand, with nothing but a startling tale and a prize shark head (that I cut off as a sort of trophy to hang over my mantle) as proof of my adventure. I have been in the shark-ward for almost a week now, and am pleased to say that with the help of a bottle of skelo-grow and a new kidney, I will be good as new any day now. I can only hope that my tragic tale will inspire others to be more wary and take the precautions to not be eaten by sharks. On the bright side, my story is currently being made into a Lifetime channel movie to be aired on tv all of next month. It is my dearest hope that the film will spread shark-awareness and save lives and also make me unbelievably rich. That is all I ask.