I just sat down like five minutes ago with the intent of writing a gripping and heart-wrenching account of what I've been doing lately. Unfortunately, after a solid five minutes of intense thinking, I suddenly remembered that my life is neither gripping nor heart-wrenching, and I actually have nothing to say to the world. On that cheerful note, I have shifted my sights slightly to instead write a gripping and heart-wrenching account of what I have NOT been doing lately. Which is many things, actually. Anyways.... um.... please enjoy.
The Tale of What I Have NOT Been Doing Lately.
I will start with last Tuesday when I did not contract a deadly skin disease. I did not go to the hospital, did not have to be quarantined in an underground cell, and did not lose all my limbs and die. The following day, I did not discover that my parents are actually antelopes dressed up in very convincing human costumes. I also didn't get a letter from the National Ribbon Dancers of America (NRDA) this morning, telling me that I made it to ribbon-dancing regionals in Salt Lake City. But don't worry, because I am actually not a ribbon dancer, so it wasn't too much of a letdown.
Anyway, after not discovering that my dream of ribbon-dancing with the stars was hopeless, I didn't bitterly dye my hair black, recede into the underground sewers, and start cursing people angrily under my breath in Parsletongue. And while I wasn't lurking creepily in the sewers, I didn't accidentally stumble across an ancient underground cult of vampire bats, and (after not going through an initiation involving a vat of cobra venom and some rat carcasses), I was not accepted as their newest member. Nor was I, after only several days, promoted to their King, after accidentally killing the old one when I impaled him with a stake as a funny sort of practical joke. And after I was not named King, my vampire minions and I definitely did not enlist ourselves in the Navy in an attempt to reform our blood-sucking ways and embrace a life of patriotism and chivalry. That would be stupid.
Speaking of which, because I am not a vampire and also don't have a cult of other vampires calling me their king, I have been free to spend my time doing things that don't involve competitive figure skating with my homosexual, Russian teammate, Gustav. And because I haven't been tied down with my intensive training for the Olympic skate team, I have instead been doing many things like not eating dogs or learning Hebrew. I have also not had anyone accidentally spill a glass of milk on me lately, and I have not discovered that I am pregnant, or a man, or a pregnant man, or a pregnant man covered with a glass of milk that someone accidentally spilled on me.
In conclusion, I have not deer-hunted in years.
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The End.
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