I think it's Time for a New Calling.

Well, after an embarrassing defeat by a third grader yesterday in a game of Monopoly, I have finally come to the harsh realization that I will never, in fact, be a successful real estate owner... After years of careful plotting, I think it is finally time to give up on my dream of monopolizing all of the real estate in the world in favor of a more simplistic aspiration. There are many worthy careers out there, and I am sure that even a person stupid enough to be bested by an 8-year old in Monopoly has a chance at success somewhere.

Anyways, in hopes of finding a noble substitute for my life's ambition, I have taken the time to list below some alternative career options. Hopefully, one of them will fulfill the gaping void in my heart where my passion for real estate used to reside...

1. Undercover Pet Detective: Although the perks of having my own television show would certainly be an asset, my interest in this profession rises out of a deep-set desire to bring justice to all animal-related crimes. I am a friend to all things furry or feathered and will not rest until I have landed every animal adversary behind bars.

2. Secondhand Clothing Bejewel-er: According to the CIA world fact book, there is a severe bejeweling deficit in North America. Clothing bejewelers are sought after far and wide; therefore, I plan to open an outlet mall clothing store where semi-untrendy middle aged women can shop for pants covered in sequins and jeweled handbags in peace.

3. Dolphin Whisperer: A practical career for those gifted with the ability to speak to dolphins (like me)... Us dolphin whisperers often specialize as aquatic trainers at Sea world or deep sea investigators.

4. Circus sword/fire eater: finally a chance to put my sword and fire-eating abilities to good use! The circus is a safe haven for 2-headed and heavily bearded women like myself to express our odd talents in a secure environment. I am sure I would fit right in. It would also be a good chance for my siamese twin sister and I to practice our synchronized acrobatics.

5. German Folk-Dancer: As I already have several years of folk dancing experience under my belt (thanks to elementary school German class), I am sure I would adapt quite well to this profession. Not to mention, I am rather fluent in German and can, quite effortlessly, sing a multi-verse song about bananas. Ask me sometime, I will astound you.

6. Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: Due to an unfortunate curse on most Dark Arts positions, there is often a high demand for wizards like myself in this profession. This would be an excellent opportunity to put my knowledge of defensive jinxes to good use, and I am confident that with my magical glass eye and affinity for black robes, I would prosper at the job.

7. Nun: This job is for those wishing to answer to a higher calling... also for those who are musically inclined and hope to win the heart of a widowed military captain and his 7 children through song (and clothing made of curtains!)

These are just a few of the many possibilities that await me in the world... I am sure that one of these jobs will find me happiness. And also a hearty pay check with a good insurance plan and 1 month of paid vacation a year.