Multi Grain "Squares"

Take a look a this box of Cascadian Farm organic cereal with multi grain squares... A seemingly innocent brand with a seemingly innocent box full of what one could only imagine is seemingly innocent cereal. When I pulled this box out of the cupboard to munch on this evening, that's exactly what I thought too-- but I was wrong. Oh so very wrong...

When I grabbed the first wheaty square out of the box, I didn't notice anything unusual; it seemed like a perfectly normal piece of cereal. I put it in my mouth, chewed, and swallowed without a second thought. By the time I had gotten to my fourth or fifth piece, however, I noticed with suspicion that something was terribly off.

The next piece of cereal that I extracted, I examined more closely. And that's when I saw the horrific error that I had so naively missed in my first five bites: though clearly advertised as a multi grain square, this wheatie looked astoundingly like a rectangle. In shocked repulsion, I raced downstairs with my specimen to the nearest ruler, where I quickly confirmed my worst fears that the "square" in question was, as a matter of fact, 1/8th of an inch longer than it was wide. This was no square..... but a rectangle!

Determined that such a respectable company would never intentionally fill a box of wheat squares with rectangles on purpose, I quickly retrieved the box-in-question and extracted another handful of cereal to test. However, to my utter revolt almost every "square" I examined bared the same loathsome measurements with a 1/8th inch discrepancy. Aghast with Cascadian Farms and their willingness to deceive innocent clientele, I relucantly ended my experiment after only 15 "squares". I had collected all of the information I needed to draw an accurate conclusion. Of the 15 test subjects, 12 were designated impostors, while only 3 maintained a true square-like exterior. Thus, I reached the astounding conclusion that in every bite of cereal, 4 out of 5 multi grain squares are actually rectangles.

The horrific discovery I made today will surely daze many loyal square-loving customers throughout the nation, but this dreadful truth must be made known. I regret that it has come down to this, but the deceit and treachery of Cascadian Farms has to be brought to light. I will, of course, be writing a strongly-worded letter to their president requesting that this terrible shape discrepancy be righted or their boxes changed immediately to say multi grain rectangles. I will also demand a public apology from their founder and a hefty sum of cash for my emotional pain and torment. I will not rest until the lies and manipulation of Cascadian Farms are brought to an end. I believe in a world where people can trust cereal boxes and eat their wheaties in peace. I will not tolerate for this injustice.

*Note: While writing all of this, I was actually sitting next to the box of multi grain squares-in-question. I absentmindedly ate about a fourth of the box and must confess that although they were all blatant rectangles, they were surprisingly delicious.