In the Wise Words of J14....

After a hearty afternoon of lounging by the pool and perusing preteen magazines, I feel I have gained a far more profound and insightful look at the world, one oozing with the truths only dared to be spoken in the newest J14 edition for middle school girls. Though many will surely scoff at my newfound discoveries, these preteen magazines have pierced my heart in a way that volumes of classical literature could never hope to rival... Below I have composed a list of ABSOLUTE TRUTHS that I have learned today from the writers of J14. Every word of it is true. And by true, what I mean to say is that they are not lying. They would never do that to me.

REALLY INTERESTING THINGS I LEARNED TODAY:

1. Justin Bieber probably wants to marry me. The magazine implied on almost every page that Justin and I are soul mates... He is out there somewhere, looking for love, waiting for me to fling myself at him from behind a dumpster or hidden in his hotel room.

1b. Justin Bieber likes dolphins... He would probably like a girl who also likes dolphins.

2. If a boy asks you if you've seen any good movies lately, he is DEFINITELY POSITIVELY WITH OUT A DOUBT asking you out. Experts say there is absolutely no other explanation for such a phenomena.

3. If you don't have a boyfriend, you're actually kind of a massive loser. You will probably end up hating yourself and dying alone.

4. True to the previous statement, my horoscope implied that I will never find love, end up hating myself, and die alone. This seems.... oddly accurate....

5. I now know how to do my eye makeup JUST LIKE Seline Gomez... Yes!!!

6. Justin Bieber is a fan of taking naps. If you also are a fan of taking naps, Justin might want to marry you.

7. Blowing bubbles and eating lollipops are two really great (and practical!) ways to get over a bad heart break.... straight from the mouth of a very wise and profound Demi Lovato.

8. Justin Bieber... loves me...

9. If a boy asks you if you have a twitter account, that is his own personal way of saying, "I am madly in love with you, and i desperately want to marry you (and follow you on twitter!!) as the deepest expression of my passion."

10. After a long and very accurate personality quiz, I discovered that if I was a movie star, I would be that one girl from iCarly who eats LOTS of chicken and beats people up. Sounds pretty accurate.

Well... there you have it. I have learned some shocking things today, but have emerged from the whole experience years wiser. Now that I know of pop singer Justin Bieber's undying affections for ME (and no one else... says the magazine), I will probably give up college and follow him on the road, stealing tissues that he throws in the trash and waiting for the fateful day we find each other. Unless of course, my horoscope proves true, and I am actually doomed to be an old and embittered spinster.... that may complicate things a bit.

On a happier note, thanks to a very convenient packet of temporary tattoos (courtesy of J14), I now have a miniature portrait of Justin's very good-looking cranium tattooed to my ankle! It's like carrying a little piece of his soul with me wherever I may go... He will reside happily on my ankle for the rest of my days. Or until I choose to shower. Whichever comes first.